iiora.monologue | mike leong

error: broken link

2011-07-29T15:33:00.001+08:00

Absence makes the heart fonder... or out of sight, out of mind? ...or is it more of a per case basis?

Some people will never fade away, even when separated by a great distance, but are able to just pick up from where you left off. That makes the equation something like: number of years spent building up a bond = number of years not needing to have any form of contact to maintain, divided by 2.2 (just to make it seem not so far fetched and based on nothing coz math is involved).

For arguments' sake, this is likely more applicable should the duration not cross too many 'transitional markers', i.e. high school to college, college to working life, working life to marriage, etc. This reduces the likelihood of a change in character and/or priorities, etc - bottom line no drastic changes in the person.

then there are the 'idealistic bonds' - short term, more exciting, more entertaining friendships that need constant attention to maintain. Do the feelings of mini-disconnections attribute to the fact that the bond hasn't reached it's highest level, or does it simply mean that a person is wired that way?

I guess whichever category holds more true to you is just a reality check... a point of reference. What you choose to do about it is what ultimately counts.

stranger amongst strangers

2010-10-08T23:41:00.002+08:00

Ever felt so disconnected from a crowd that used to be so familiar? It promptly urges you to seek out connections in exchange for a sense of comfort. Makes for a testament for those who would take bonds between another for granted - as it always takes more to keep it, or nurture it to a level where it becomes resilient to fading.

The warm night, void of breeze and the starless sky just reminds me of how many bonds have been severed, scarred or faded. And to cling to the ones that I hold dear to me.

just another half-a-footstep more

2010-08-13T05:55:00.000+08:00

Well, what did you see? Really, when you stare into that distance... when that slight shift in your gaze seem to connect to a place unreachable by me. If I asked would you tell me honestly? If I ran would you find me willingly? I could say it but you won't believe me. I could smile but it wouldn't deceive you. A mirror, no matter how shattered or broken, would still reflect because it does. Or are you coated with a non-reflective substance that you use to shield that surface?

Does this ground seem to be made out of emotional tiles - the kind of material that makes you wonder if it's able to withstand your weight, or disintegrate - making every single step a gamble. You would think you've gone as far as you will ever get... but the horizon stretches, kinda like how the line where the sky and the sea meets on a calm day at the beach - but you're not sure if it's actually the edge of the earth or a seemingly infinite landscape. But you still press on anyway.

Why then? Because a road like this would either lead you to the most beautiful place you could ever imagine, or set you up for one of the biggest plunges you would ever take? Because you can't turn your back on it without just 2 little words haunting your lifetime... 'what if?' Or because you just know. Because a little bird told you so.

Glass Memories

2010-08-11T03:23:00.000+08:00

Can you remember when was the last time you've been in a place like this?
Sometimes it seems like it was a place that existed once upon a time, locked inside a silver bird cage within a drawer up somewhere within that bulimic mind of yours - or just maybe, it was intentionally rigged to be overlooked, automated to be forgotten?

Will this time be different? Layers of glass hands on the walls menacingly beckon - daring you to walk past them. This is when, logic prompts you to back off - the self-preserving mechanism against wounds that may refresh. Till you realize that it's a bigger mistake not even going there.

No, not this time. Stupid or not, it's not the gentle tugging that drives you forward; it's an intense yearning - a need and a longing... taking that step. Because it's you.

little strings

2010-01-13T03:35:00.002+08:00

when in the face of seemingly impossible odds, and things can't get any worse than they already are, would you be one to just pin the blame on luck? if lady luck actually had a real profession, it would probably be client servicing - coz you just get blamed for whatever. that's just the way it is.

Question is, how far can a person venture in making this idea an integral aspect of your life? To a certain extend it's comparable to embracing the sheer randomness of things - just that it doesn't sound as mystical if you put it that way. If a continuous string of crappy incidents were spun like a web all around you till you look like you're related to Tutankhamun will eventually just, well fully envelop you from head to toe. and then what?

There's kinda nowhere else to go from rock bottom anyway. but what if, the threshold of what rock bottom is for a person is defined by the person themselves? In saying this, it's decided by when you want to put a foot down and decide that this is, where you are, rock bottom. And then all of a sudden your wrapping gets torched by a stray flint. goddamnit, lady.

karmic retribution

2009-05-06T20:18:00.001+08:00

if you a chance to define the laws that govern the human society, would you then be able to discern the reasons behind all our dark, selfish persuits. it would seem everyone is somehow on a solo crusade to fill the hollow parts of their lives- with each passing filler a weaker echo than the last. this riduculous theatre of ridicule is then just a spectacle for the amusement of another actor rehearsing the same tired script. bound by the same strain of mire. and it would typically go something like this:

i, with the sand-papered heart,
who carries a 'get out of jail' card,
i, the self-exiled in fear,
who sheds petals of hostility,
on the paths of those who would venture too near,
would you come to dislike me, if you knew who i could be?
or crown me with a black halo, for everyone to see?

photogenic... and 'perso-genic'?

2009-05-05T21:09:00.000+08:00

in a conversation today, the topic about being photogenic cropped up. (sorry, nothing to do with the image above, and not this conversation either. that is just there so that people will know that mel really looks like kok in real life, and she's scamming people.)

anyway, the point is, there isn't quite a surface formula to gauge a person's personality, or rather traits that define a character (physiognomy isn't very accurate). just by one glance. there are no lenses that could pierce our beings and see right through us. what if faces could be peeled away, revealing a whirling mass of 'personality'? would you look away in horror or stare transfixed by a beauty that surpasses our skins? what would you look like, and would you like what you see?

wanton clairvoyance

2009-04-20T22:10:00.000+08:00

what if, the most unlikely of people could turn out to be a kindled spirit? a lot of times, we deny ourselves the chance to ever find out, for whatever first impressions or preconceptions we might harbor. on a seperate note, insinuation from sincere guardians mark the perimeter of precarious choices.

what if, for a moment, the roles were reversed, and the very same stigma be engraved onto us. would the exiled wish for a savior, if not just a glance of acknowledgement without the accompanying sneer or accusing stare? or does it feel like we're just blindly misunderstood, by default? after all, it's not much of a choice; to be shunned, or to shield ourself with an air of innocence- it just seems like a hopeless crusade. or maybe, no cause is never worth championing, because even the most minuscule drop of ink can taint a glass of water. and it makes all the difference in the world for that glass.

printed words & imaginary cinematography

2009-04-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

so, just a brief and rare moment i get to hang out with my sister. we've got so much in common, sometimes it feels like i'm hanging out with myself. things to note:

1) we have the sudden compulsion to hit the bookstore, and grab a random title because we feel like we're getting a bit stoopid.

2) we both love the touch of crisp pages and the smell of paper to ever succumb to indulge in e-books.

3) we're both very cynical, and we share an unusual affinity to all things dark.

4) we both enjoy a good mug of coffee, (not to mention we get annoying headaches without a daily dose) and tea is for ah peks.

5) we secretly think our youngest sibling is adopted. really.

grace of the marionette

2009-04-14T02:02:00.000+08:00

when a shroud of blindness becomes me, i'm glad for that pair of eyes, twin sentinels over my unsure footsteps. of the times you would intervene when i stand paralyzed staring at a puzzle you know would unravel me as the cost, or shake your head sadly as i am drawn to intense lights, the kind that casts an equally long and dark shadow - on whoever bathes in it. does this radiation mutate? or simply conduit?

someone please explain to me why is there a myriad of awkwardly shaped boxes all around me? makes it impossible to not wonder, and a curse to yearn to know, was pandora really a bitch, or simply curious? is it not just being hopelessy human to fumble with the gift of free will?

for the reasons you would choose to believe in me, to care unconditionally, my handful of earth angels, i am truly grateful. it's not hard to see in times like these, why you are the flowers painted in the rarest colour on my canvas.

chainmail, please

2009-04-07T03:33:00.000+08:00

have you ever wondered, in most multiplayer online games, the armor is always the most interesting aspect of the experience? kind of the most prominent differientation factor- well, besides the fucking face of course. and it's so coincidentally close to home that just how it is in real life, we all customise our own personal set of security, against the harsh and unforgiving forces out there. how we each have to develop our own defense mechanisms to safeguard our own sanity.

to think about it, it varies greatly from person to person, some more unique and 'elite' while others choose to embrace the light and simplistic approach, confident of their own prowness and abilities to avoid injury. maybe as a more introverted person, confrontation isn't really my thing, which would explain my choice of harnessing such heavy protective measures.

would i eventually shed this burden, muster the confidence to believe that my own agility is enough to suffice? or am i going to wear an inverted iron maiden for life? too bad life can never be turn-based.

faith focus & resentment theraphy

2009-03-16T00:12:00.001+08:00

a carousel of judging stares, unified by singular spite;
as torn lips drink from the poison de malice,
tribute to ouroboros, a familiar archetype confronted,
"let's peel of the skin, and the secrets buried within."

whisper and fuel the plight, a quilt of deranged insight,
suffocate the victim with a piece of alice,
puncture the flesh and engrave a song inverted;
there be no saviours, just the truth to redeem.

under the same blue blankets

2009-03-11T01:25:00.001+08:00

have you ever wondered, how meeting someone under different circumstances could result in quite a very different relationship? like what if i didn't have aids, or what if i wasn't in the same state of mind or wasn't emo; or maybe even as small as what if... i had smiled when i introduced myself?

would we all have that same chance of knowing another the exact same way eventually? would we have cared, just a little bit more? would we have turned out to be great friends or just familiar strangers?

well, the most straightforward way of approaching this would be to justify it as fate's calling. aerosmith said "life is a journey, not a destination" - if you disregard that he was probablly high when he came up with that, it does connote the whole random encounter thing- pathways mapped out by the choices we make along the way.

and this is applicable to not only yourself, but everyone else as well- thus giving birth to the interwoven nature of this tapestry of journeys, and it will still be as random as it can be- which makes it no different than the concept of fate on a fundamental level. coz as much as you might be able to influence another's choices, you can't decide for them.

or maybe it's not so much about convincing another to take your hand and follow, but rather finding the right companions? like-minded nomads? coz if they're heading there as well, least you know that it's a little less lonely a road to walk on.

a toast to the things that make it matter

2009-03-05T00:22:00.000+08:00

Fireflies. Little creatures that emit traces of anti-shroud. Sometimes too faint to realise, mostly unseen just because at that very moment in time our faces were turned to another direction. And it's that faint pulse of light that gracefully bestow an unspoken wave of acknowledgement- like a fuzzy sort of void-fill: a confirmation & connection, a meaning, a reason, and a simple 'thank you' for being part of somebody else's world. Do we choose who we play angel to, or are we chosen; -designated by the very people whom we grow fond enough to care about, coz it shows? And can a person ever be the sentinel of her own sentinel?

A toast, to the seemingly normal things we never realise can mean a lot more to another.. if only...

wayward ambiguity

2009-02-28T01:33:00.000+08:00

of fabled dreams and hopes which make each passing day a little bit more doable. Guess this goes out to those out there who might be feeling the same way- somehow trapped within a loop of life so mundane it's coiled into a relentless and perpetual ritual that can run on autopilot.

The upside is you can not pay as much attention and still achieve the same results. The downer being waking up 30 just to realize it's nothing more than just a number -but you're much closer to dying than you were before and you still are clueless. That's just annoying and depressing at the same time - like oprah; sampling ideal slices of possible lives; dangling it, more like- only to find out you'll quite likely only be able to achieve it if you read 'The Secret'.

Nevertheless, it's still shit like that which keeps us going- that little cliche ray of hope. Otherwise life just feels like a "frustratingly upsetting and complicated, kaleidescopic mess of elaborate, irritatingly necessary tarnished hateful experiences, forlorn and cynically epic." Or f.u.c.k. m.e. i.n. t.h.e. f.a.c.e. for short, since everyone knows 'of' isn't a real word anyways.

Anthem of the Torn

2007-01-05T19:13:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Is it brave to stand tall when all you want to do is die?
Is it too much to ask, for an answer, if not a straight lie?
If it was never meant to be, will I at least know a reason why?
Don't you see, leaving me in the dark was a cruel goodbye.

Won't you let down your guard, for I too am defenceless.
My footsteps are concealed, but not the silver blood,
Am i your marionette, just like you, is of someone else?
Just cursed to stalk, walk away, or in shadows lurk.

Do you smile or shiver, at this panaromic view of the heart.
Are you too the hostage, another captive of a concrete vault?
Will I still see you, with that soft light that sets you apart?
Or do you know for sure, i'm just someone you want out.

Did you find out how silver platters are in flight?
I'll tell you it hurts like hell - is that an insight?
This glass, of promises so enticing, of words so bright,
Because of you, I would surrender from inside,

You call me weak, and doubt i'll be strong for two,
Come on, just take a look, there is no rule,
You just deal it with experience, and wonder why i won't too,
Guess you didn't see it's not why, but who...

It's more painful, as mine was you.

the prologue of a new chapter

2007-01-04T00:38:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Every book has an ending, and maybe this one is mine. Even if it feels like it's been too short of a time to have really understood the contents. But sometimes you wonder; stories that end (even the neverending story has to finish), sometimes have sequels. There's a point in time, when a certain end becomes no different from an end that's certain. You'll know it when it comes to that - although i would hope nobody has to feel this - an odd yet searing sensation that constantly reminds myself that things are not meant to be perfect, no matter how much anyone might wish it.

Who are the authors? Who decides? Or were we never meant to know how long a story was ever meant to be told? Ironically, not every story which seems unfinished has a sequel, or maybe just not yet? I mean look at Jim Carrey, whose movies all seem like sequels regardless of when or who he produced it with: the essence of it being the retarded staleness of his juvenile humour.

Unfortunately, not all lives are recorded in words, many fleeting moments are just left to pass by, unnoticed, and uncharted - of experiences of pain and joy, friendship and betrayal. It's us who are left to find and experience those droplets of life. As a dear friend of mine would put it - it is what it is.

It's in the name

2006-10-19T11:15:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

The infamous brand that pioneered the whole MOTOthingy, stopping short of aji-no-MOTO, have quite an interesting naming convention for their mobile shit. I mean, RAZR? wow... razor... *grin* SLVR?!!? saliva ke silver? no points for guessing ROKR and PEBL. But KRZR!? someone tell me what the fuck does that mean, the billboards are driving me crazy. Still, 4 alphabeths-fill-in-the-blanks would seem like one hell of a brand up to date.

Talking about names, or codenames for that matter, you just gotta love Apple. I mean, "Jaguar", "Tiger", "Leopard", "Panther"?? does that mean the successors are greater cats? So what happens when they run out of big cats to use? hah! introducing the Mac OSX 7.0 "Belimbing"... nice.

Jeez.. it's been months

2006-09-12T05:49:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Somewhere between my 16 hour work days and repetitive weekends, a lot has somehow changed. Many friends, have become total strangers to me. Maybe it's the curse of advertising, but mostly it's me. The saving grace are my brothers; highschool friends which have stuck by each other along the way. The funny thing is, I still feel alone. I think the saddest thing is letting a bond die - without constant upkeep, theres no such thing as an automated friendship.

It's pathetic how I have become so shallow- just to bring forth a sincere joy in the company of another is a bloody effort. It's a combination of feeling distant and jaded at the same time. It's like consciously living in your own head and hating it. This is probablly how britney spears felt after she married that backup dancer dude, or how kurt cobain felt before he pulled that trigger.

On the flipside, knowing that theres no way i can disconnect myself from me serves as a constant reminder that this is a victim's story and I choose my path. Sincerely to those people whom have at one time been a part of my world, you truly made it more worthwhile by just being in it.

milestones are measured in centimetres

2006-03-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

1st post in 2006. Given to the way things are going, it's not really a surprise. Anyway, for those people still popping by, this blog isn't dead, it's just suspended till mid year - till i figure out what to do with my life. peace.

Clock o' 12 tails

2005-11-23T00:12:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Time. The eternal enemy. The ageless watcher. The oracular diabolic. And man invented the clock to keep track of time, only to sometimes be trapped within it's sands. This entry is more of a reminder to me, of where i stand, and where i can go.

i've never worked in a place where i have ever felt so small. This, is where i stand - Not really knowing how to do what i should be doing, and what's the right way to do it. My saving grace is i know i've been given countless oppurtunity to make mistakes, and to learn from them, to have a boss who despite his irritation at me, still finds the time to put me back on track, to push me to reach higher standards, and not give up on me. (yet anyway.)

besides the pressure of juggling multiple jobs, the challenge is to push each and every task, no matter how menial, to the very best it can be. "good designers copy, great designers steal," which translates to adding value to a style by adding on to it, giving it a fresher look and feel, to make it mine, instead of a carbon copy.

it's 12:22, i'm in the office alone with the company of music, reflecting on his words of wisdom. i think it's time mental masturbation turns into action.

10,000 needles

2005-11-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

intuition. it's a funny thing you know. Empirical in nature, unexplainable in the beginning, yet conceived by the collective fibre of logical and experiential threads that make us, well - us. it's there. and i hate it. because it's the most accurate definition to describe what i feel now, which in turn, is triggering the muse in me that used to surface by will - and the same one i left out there to die.

things seem so messy now. and i can't explain it. although i have a strong feeling i know the source of where it's coming from - what i'm doing and where i'm heading in my life, and probably my insecurities in my relationship. i believe that no matter how dark a person's world may be, he or she could choose to rise above it and remain untainted, an ordinary miracle that a being could come out unscathed, if they wanted it badly enough. the truth is, i can't seem to think of any reason why i should hold on to that ideal - or maybe it's that underlying void that keeps spreading like a sick, slow, fucking poison, enjoying each and every vessel it feeds on. Maybe this is how chewbacca feels, that no matter how badly he needs to let it out (and does), nobody would ever understand his language, except maybe one person out there - the only link to a sense of belonging we can seek refuge from the countless pitchforks that make up this world most of us have ever known.

nobody really wants to move mountains, even if they could. not me anyway. right now, i just need a sign. that i'm doing the right thing, that i'm heading the right way. i tend to avoid posting such things here. to hide behind a shield of open interpretation: one that has ways to appear innocent. i want to walk with sure steps again. there, i've said it. so much for not hiding.

the waiting room

2005-11-15T09:10:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Have you ever really felt alone? I'm sure everyone, at one point has been there. Maybe it's just the way we were programmed - or not programmed for, just for arguement's sake (because i'm positive arguement would give a damn about this anyway) you know? And words would always be words until it rings true to you, or in this case, strike a chord that your harp was never tuned to accomodate. But i'll vouch for that - we really don't know how truly alone we all can be - till you're really there - when there isn't anyone standing beside me to help me define who i am, and that's when answering that question needs to be answered the most, save short of a lobotomy.

For God knows when, for the first night of my life, living in a place where fragments of company lay all around, did it really scare me - four walls never seemed to bear an ominous prescence or significance to me ever. For crying out loud, the words carved on them to induce comfort is just evoking the opposite. or maybe designed this way. either way, why does it have to start now?

At least someone shed light on "Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."

Headless Moth

2005-10-15T03:33:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

People who just let half a brain wander would be advised not to 'think so much', or the indifferent types would have been urged to give a damn about more than just waking up each day. But i believe that the majority of us are just victims of both: simply because the end of one phrase would be the passage leading to the entrance of another.

Wouldn't it be nice to just fly without having to decide on a route? to fly headless.or does that mean we're no better than being dead. Autopilot is a nice option espcially if we never wanted to fly from the start.

Rearranged

2005-09-22T04:18:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

I know it's been a long time since i've really posted up something that doesn't take 6 seconds to think about. And it's been a long time since the dates of the previous posts have been correct, seeing that blogger allows edits on the time and date, i can post for the future if i wanted to. Been really busy lately with work, will get on this once i get a break.

darkness clearing out her wardrobe and rearranging her stuff while i'm being ignored.

this has to be one of the stupidest pairs of pants i've ever seen in the world. and it belongs to darkness.

Ebony & Ivory

2005-09-13T03:30:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Divine Mercy

2005-09-08T02:00:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Graduation @ LUCT

2005-09-01T03:33:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Congratulations, gradates of '04! Hopefully you guys suck so that there won't be much competition in the already saturated industry. But seriously, think carefully about what you wanna do, else u'll end up wasting time. Like working for Starbucks. Like Sha. Or working as a GRO. Like Crystal. So murid-murid, good luck & all the best!

Retarded mass comm students.

Mel & Chris [sorry chris, forgot your blog address]

Some white guy to make the ceremony seem more important.

Mel & Jessica Alba

Covienne & Jessica Alba

Jessica Alba. hahahahahahahahahahha *snort* ...u wish

Sil @ Alexis

2005-08-27T01:40:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

One thing about being in advertising is, the amount of exposure we get. Which basically means going out, seeing places, knowing things. Boss orders.

Roy showing off his hip hop skills

"... and that's how it's done, mofo"

Because ninja's do drink as well.

"wot a stoopid joint. Let's go get something to eat."

altruism, compromise, and sacrifice

2005-08-25T00:55:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Is the act of compromise a selfless one? What is compromise? To concede upon something, to formulate an agreement in unison, which would mutually benefit all parties? What if the compromise on one side is played with the intention to salvage and upkeep, say a relationship, the only benefit of the giver is the sustained relationship. Shouldn't it be in the best interest of both parties to want the same thing? When it requires a greater sacrifice on one side, is it an act of altruism or compromise?

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals," said Ben Franklin. I'd say He who falls in love with another will be his own rival. The question is, how much can someone give till nothing is left? Being only human, the need to give is fueled by receiving as well. Even Mother Teresa received from God - a reward far greater than all she could give, AND the passion and drive to practice selflessness.

Then again, the saying goes, "the reward is in the act itself."

WIP anyone?

2005-08-18T02:45:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

"WIP now! everyone to the pantry. Quick!" Birthday's at work can be quite fun. Happy birthday Mel!

Mel the birthday girl.

The cake.

Cutting of Cake.

Eating of Cake.

"The secret to good copy is how little you write."

ok he didn't say that, i'm just lazy to think of captions now

Circles of Friendship

2005-08-10T01:30:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Making the most of her 21st birthday, darkness decided that celebrating it once just wasn't enough. Her request for a sentimental one was made possible by a small circle of friends, gathered on that special occasion to celebrate more than just a birthday, but also the joys of friendship.

Campfire. Barbeque. Beach. Beer. Bitches. What more can one ask for?

Sher & Crystal

Darkness & iiora

Cake cut and shared. Did you know how difficult it was to find a decent looking cake in PD?!

Bu, victorious on the quest to find a NOT r lian looking cake

Crystal & Darkness. Or crystal darkness. Or darkness crystal.

Bu & Sha being indian - just that there weren't more trees around

time & life of a lifetime

2005-07-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

[muse]

I suppose society is the culprit. Born into this world as a child, the world is seen through virgin eyes - all forms of experience delightfully feed our curiosity and wonderment. As we grow in age, this innocence, or sense of wonder is robbed like a slow poison - till we start becoming accustomed to the ways of the world and society. Eventually, our perceptions will be based on norms - little statements that are deemed to be disregarded, simply because they are what they are - the need to question why would project a person as a fool for asking. Naturally, we develop that automated acceptance for our surroundings, which could be considered our own human way of adaptation to the environment. And we leave it at that.

For the sake of arguement, would that be considered living our lives could be recalled as a response or reaction - to what we know as life, which is in turn, a definition of the collective input that society has build upon generations. The standards of society, or social norms, if you like. Granted, our saving grace is our God given free will. But how many of us would want to take the more bumpy road, to go against common belief? Many of us are victims of situations - simply because it is the easiest route (or the predefined or default one). What may seem as making the best choices at a particular given time could very well be translated to making the most comfortable decisions. Decisions that we would be able to live with without very much effort. The safer path.

Ironically, some people may consciously CHOOSE to live this way. [if it isn't broke, why fix it?] Frankly, it's because it has a slightly better chance of survival [i know it's not broke, but i could make it better, or i coud be just wasting my time, or breaking it without a safety net - risk]. Go to school, Go to college, Graduate, Find a Job, Build a Career, Buy a Car, Buy a House, Get married, Start a family- blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Situations can force us to make decisions - and logically, if we comply to the 'dummies guilde to living' we can't really go wrong, can we? Of course, the bigger picture consists of many other factors which serve in their own demented way, contributing as the bane of austere existance.

Tragically, work is to gain means of preserving life, but searching for a meaning for that life can sometimes disrupt the former, which if compared side by side would seem to be of a more primary need as failure to do so could lead to certain death. (yeah, heh, i know it's a dramatic way to put it, but one way or another, the need of survival depends on earning a living) But depending on the individual, we decide on that balance - hence the free will part. There are instances whereby an individual can have the best of both worlds without too much of a sacrifice, but putting this in context of an average citizen, any of the below are possible outcomes based on where we choose to head:

a) A more meaningful life, but less luxurious one.
i.e: more time with loved ones, building relationships that last long term, average lifestyle.

b) Career first, more lavish lifestyle.
i.e: luxuries are more affordable, a higher standard (acc to society) of living, meaning of life = career orientated

Writing the first 2, i realized that there are just too many variables to list, but i'm sure you get the picture. But something that dawned upon me at this time of writing is that there is no fool-proof plan, an ideal strategy that is void of loopholes. Having said that, the definite pattern of behaviour would be to follow the proven guildeline whilst attempting to sanction a balance that can be agreeable to myself and my partner.

I pray for divine intervention in the form of guidance. May my prayers be heard.

The Urban Garden of the Eden

2005-07-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

+ hold on for the pics, i bloody forgot to take back the USB cable from the office.

Seems like having a garden inside a shopping complex is the in thing now. Was just at One Utama that day, to catch the launch of Alien Planet on discovery channel (in conjunction with War of the Worlds). Darkness was at work preparing for the media (thanks for the gold class passes), I decided to kill time just walking around the new wing.

Watching victims of advertising walking everywhere like poor misled sheep drawn to the subliminal pull of suggestion, I steered towards the exit of another of Lilian Too's "i-love-superstitious-people" stores, only to find myself face to face with what seemed like a huge greenhouse.

wow. What in the world is the point of this? I say fuck the gardens - we need more parking space.

This goes for Midvalley as well. Jeez...

To the things that matter

2005-07-08T00:44:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Sometimes you may feel like you're in the dark. Sitting alone with no one that truly understands. What brings you a measure of comfort is talking to someone about it, so that a slice of your life is passed on - living as a part of another. When your world seems to be crumbling down, do not look at the rubble of the once tall standing granite, because it's just the surface you're looking at. It's when your mental vision projects a veil of disgruntled over the emotion of heart. I guess when things just don't seem to go the way we expect them to be, we stmble and fall, blaming the hard grounds that bruised our knees.

Larry Kersten once said, "Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it." Disregarding the lightning part, every dark cloud indeed has a silver lining, just like how every situation is shone upon by a ray of hope, if only we all learn to look hard enough. Personally, the easiest way to achieve this is to strip off all layers that conceal just the very basics - intention. Being human, it's hard to deny that we tend to get comfortable with situations and actions, particularly of those who matter to us. Stuff like being sweet is noticed and acknowledged at first, but time does a lot to dampen the effect of this continuous effort. But while 'time' being the biggest culprit, it is essentially an individuals character that makes up for it. In this context, time is merely replaced with the word 'endurance'.

Evidently, the source of this common practice lies in the not-so commonly practiced objectivity: to judge a situation from all (if possible) available viewpoints. How often do we make a statement like "The sun is fucking hot, it's killing the fuck out of me!" versus, something like "Fuck me! My body can't take the heat. I'm gonna die." Blame the sun for making us hot? or should it be blaming ourselves for FEELING hot? like it or not, the majority chooses to blame anyone (or anything, for this matter) besides ourselves. By the way, my spacebar isn't working so well, i can't count how many times i had to backtrack just to add it in. Fucking Mac. see? But of course there are exceptions. Namely, when it comes to Macs, just blame 'em. We users know what we're doing, AND we're very literate. Their product sucks iBalls and eDicks. It's all Apple's fault.

Goddamnit.

The funniest thing i've heard today

2005-07-05T11:11:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here." The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

- source unknown.

undivorced.

2005-07-01T02:22:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Seems to me that people generally respond to topics such as love and life. All i have to say is that, besides being jealous is, you people have no sense of humour. Anyway, here's an interesting theory: I was on my way back from a shoot at NTV7 (where i met a whole bunch of people who were either interns, or former LUCT students - i'll come to that later) with my colleague. Somehow, our conversation bordered upon relationships and marriage, moreso people from the advertising line. Having heard this a billion times, i wanted to know how he handled it, seeing that the residents of the creative industry would seemingly endure doomed married lives, primarily due to the lack of understanding from the other half.

However, he did bring up an angle which was least expected, especially from someone who drew a conslution based on a premise which was theoretically induced, endorsed by similarly like minds. It went something like this, "A lot of divorce cases were from the advertising line. I mean, not only from this line, but the majority of them were... Yeah, that what the people in this line thought as well, so it would seem ideal to find someone who would naturally understand - someone in the same line. But it isn't always the case. The problem is, the occasional need to entertain, or party with clients and such, with no intentions or a hidden agenda, would definately get under your partners skin. It would be impossible to just not care, even if it's just harmless fun. It's human nature."

Fuck.
But i really have to give credit to my other half, and i really do appreciate you trying.. thanks.

Anyway, before leaving NTV7, i bumped into sher and crystal in their mini-cafeteria. After a little chat, crystal came in wearing formal working clothes, but holding a basket (like those hotdog sellers in seating aisles) with newspaper cuttings in it. She proceeded with posting them up on the bulletin board, trying to look stylish doing it. A quote from the Queen of the world that would one day be in those stupid buku sejarah in school, when questioned about her outfit was "Because what i'm doing here is unimportant, I have to dress importantly, so that i'll make myself feel more valuable. Plus got no cute guys here, just like my boss. Anyway, i feel like i want to pang sai, so i have to go." hee hee hee. Well, maybe i might have made up some of the stuff just a bit, but who cares? it's funny.

The Great Divide

2005-06-20T21:55:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Sitting in the new office, i'm gonna find out if it's haunted or not. Or maybe not. The office is full of expensive footstools which they decide should go on top the working desks. Oddly, they come in all shapes and sizes, but most of them comes in an ivory white. Some of them call these footstools a Mac. watever. 10 things i hate about you:

01. Very stabil. (my ass) so far: illustrator crashes: 2. And they claim it never hangs. (try lighwave, it does the trick everytime)
02. One button mouse. Good luck playing warcraft.
03. It's goddam slow. (is that why they choose Intel chips now?)
04. It's got stupid naming conventions. i mean who da fark names thier OS versions after animals?!
05. Lack of 3rd party support. You know what i mean.
06. It multasks like a bitch, despite 'looking' feminine.
07. It's expensive. and your foot wouldn't be comfortable on top of it for long.
08. i'm getting out of here. (just incase i see something i don't want to...

Saturday, eve of rest

2005-06-19T00:59:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Saturday. Nice day to visit Tesco. To do some research on packaging that is. It was almost 12. I grabbed the phone, punched in a speed dial number and waited...

me: hello boyfriend! I want to go to tesco. you're going there too.
webber: I need to drop in the office, i've got some dumping to do.
me: you're going now??
webber: yeah, it won't be long, 15 mins tops. Follow me to the office and then we'll go to tesco later.
me: k. let me take a bathe first.
webber: take your time, i havn't either. be there when i do.
me: ciao.

I realized, being in this line, we tend to not really have a life.
webber: so i have to help my dad's friend's kid do a star wars like intro. And he's in form 5.
me: ... for school? so he wants to be a multimedia person?
webber: yeah, i need to smack the shit out of him and tell him not to do that or he'll be ruining his life. Look at me... no life. no cash. no girlfriend. my colleagues think i'm gay...
me: hahahahaha i think it's because of my white sandals. lotsa people think it's gay.

Living in Malaysia for a lifetime, we tend to grow immune to certain quirks in the many subcultures that populate our lovely country. For one, i'm sure we're all too familiar with cars with neons (preferably blue) and bootspaces filled with sub woofer(s).

G: yop, watcha doin?
me: just watching the game, having a bud. (yeah right, actually it was: nothing, watching TV, taking a break from work.)
G: ... i'll come pick you up at 8:30
me: k.

Ten minutes later, my cell registered a miss call, indicating his arrival. Simultaneously, his new black vios pulled at my front, while muffled techno was fighting to burst out of the vehicle. Opening the door, i slipped into the passenger seat, consistent thumping of the music preventing any audible attempts to speak. As the noise continued to ramble on, you can't help but wonder... heh... you'll be surprised that almost every comtemporary song to hit the charts have at least one 'techno' version, which i might add, totally ruins the piece. I can still remember Celine Dion's titanic theme in techno, it's worse than britney's shit. I'm not gonna be surprised if whoever these people are decide that the Quran should be a techno... or stevie wonder... hell, make a techno of mary had a little lamb or something, i'm sure kids would love it.

Anyway, if you so happen to be one of those people that enjoys this kinda stuff AND is reading this, go join the army or something. Our country needs you. seriously.

I need to go, i really have to finish my work.

little white powder

2005-06-09T20:48:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Anthrax, also dubbed splenic fever, is a virulent bacterial infection that is extremely fatal. This bacteria comes in the form of spores, residing in the soil. Cute veggie-eating animals that thought they could get high with magic mushrooms seem to be the commonly infected. Individuals involved with the slaughter of these animals are prone to be infected, due to prolonged exposure to the dead hosts of the deadly micro organism.

However, there is an semi-proven theory that 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. In this context, if you were able to survive the effects of the bacteria, the immune system would gradually develop an antibody for it, possibly rendering your future generations a natural immunity. To further endorse this theory, let's use a simple everyday example: like how we love to place bits of poison (like 'combat') around the house to get rid of pests like cockroaches, which backfires after a while, when some lucky roach eats just enough to not die. Guess what, their body adapts to the alien substance, making it a tougher fucker. And it applies to it's offspring as well. That's what our dear scientists nowadays call 'evolution'. (not to mention the fact that roaches have survived since the dinosaurs)

Just to ensure the countinous survival of mankind, an envelope of anthrax will be sent up to studio, so that these chosen ones may get the chance to give birth to the new generation of man - the anthrax immunities. But if they all die their contribution to science and the betterment of the world would ensure it wouldn't be in vain. to the people from UNIGRAFIX, this one's for ya! cheers!

Coloured head bulu

2005-06-09T00:12:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Back when i used to be in high school colouring your hair was strictly forbidden. I guess they just didn't want to encourage gangsterism, with mass media's stereotypical portrayal of golden (or blonde) haired asians that reek of yau-yeng-ness in most hong kong movies. No, maybe it was because of TOEI Animation - for some reason dyeing your hair would enable a kid to obtain supernatural powers (Super Saia style), branding these kids advocates of stupid behaviour. Or maybe there is some truth that blondes are dumb... well just look at Jessica Simpson.

For whatever matter it may be, there are quite a great number of individuals who do it because they need to. Like me (and grandparents + albinos), for instance: - because of the bloody white hair syndrome. Ok it's not a syndrome, it's a condition. Nowadays everything is a condition. (like gaming till dawn, being hamsap, smoking too much, drinking, spending way too much money and of course, being retarded like Britney Spears.) I'm going to dye my hair brown.

What's in a hair colour? Does a particular shade of the spectrum of your choice hold a symbolic meaning or message? Apparently there's a lot going on about colour theraphy and the likes. The influence a particular colour has on you, by just being surrounded in it. It could be considered fairly ambigious in nature, seeing that colours have different meanings which would equate to uncountable interpretations to the many cultures that populate the world. I hate baby blue. Like that handbag darknesstemptress has. If baby blue was a person he or she should just die.

By now you would have realized that there isn't a point to this post, so i'm ending it here. I just needed a window to get away from work for a moment - there's so much to do and i don't feel creative. And siren, you shouldn't give a flying fuck about long haired Japanese/Korean ghosts because they move way too slow. If those people didn't freeze up, they would have had ample time to run away. Plus these ghosts usually crawl on the floor, causing their mobility to be even further reduced.

Someone save me from myself.

Taboo

2005-05-15T15:33:00.000+08:00

[notice]

Mystique productions presents:
'Taboo' a stand up comedy
by Prabu Krishnananthan

Do you have something to say
but you were just afraid to say it?
Let me say it for you...

TABOO
"a night where nothing is left unsaid"

Date: 21st may 2005 [this saturday]
Location: Zouk.KL [113, jalan ampang]
Time: 8.00pm - 9.30pm
Tickets: RM50, Rm80 & RM100

call mystique productions for invitation booking
@ 03 7726 7845
@ 012 390 0356
@ 016 357 7369

Click here to read the writup from the Star.

or you can just leave a message here.

Gullible, I

2005-05-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

[muse]

Feng Shui takes the fun out of living. Althought it could be defined as a Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with the environment, the bandwagon's full of individuals who are just along for the ride. But does it work miracles for us or is it purely aesthetic in nature? Wouldn't it be considered a pagan practice? You could argue that it's been tradisionally practiced for over 3000 years. So what? So was necromancy.

I have never really bothered about superstition of this sort, but contradictory to that claim, if there was something i knew about it, i would abide as to not jinx myself. SO basically, i don't believe in it, but i do it. just in case. But doesn't that mean that i do believe in it then? How gullible can someone be?

We get people like lilian too telling us all kinds of stuff (like that MTV parody of it).. You do this.. You do that.. or you'd be fucked. I get the feeling that the whole concept doesn't appeal to me simply because i do not like the idea that life's destiny is justified by where i place my eye mo moist and clean & clear toner (God forbid that they should be facing the wrong direction) on my workdesk, because my backside will explode if i do.

How can it be a myth if a large number of people are susceptible to it's teachings as it provides them with a sense of confidence and comfort - that nothing can go wrong? I'll let the unsaid settle in. Could it be, that it's all psychological? i've got a theory that a lot of everything is self-inflicted: there's quite a lot of harm you can shield yourself from with just positive thinking. Take for example smoking. We all know it's bad for health and all that jazz, but i'm sure we all know grandfathers, or someone's grandfather who's still smoking at 83 years, and has been doing so since 18. Why? hahahahah since we all naturally believe only what we choose to believe, i'd say that because they probably didn't really think of the consequences of it, remainding as oblivious as possible to the negativity that follows the habit. A better example would be a drunk man who fell off from a cart on a rocky road but didn't die. Why? simply because his brain, (intoxicated by mind altering substances) did not register pain nor anything of that sort. Therefore, his body does not either (save for scars & whatnot that isn't as fatal anyway).

I was in Carole's office today, helping out for a presentation with my colleague, Pansin. I couldn't help but notice that she had a garden full or tortoises/turtles in every nook and cranny (and orifice) decorating the office. Pansin explained that the particular tortoise with the dragon's head was supposed to bring about a successful career. As we headed off to the studio to retrieve a logo, there it was again, the mysterious dragon turtle, emblazened in gold, sitting amongst 3 other regular turtles, on a cupboard top cum showcase. hmmmm... if everone in the world were to get one of these, wouldn't everyone's feng shui be equal? or do you have to resort to negative feng shui? (maybe a jade britney spears head to nullify everyone else's feng shui?) If it stops working, masters can claim it's because, "everyone has it, so nobody can harvest it's fruits. BUT if you get the golden mango on the other hand... "

So eventually, everyone in the world would have a whole farm of trinkets to boost just about every aspect of thier life. Maybe i could start a business ad hoc to address the rising needs of the superstitiously inclined by sourcing the original stuff and photocopying each item to eventually be compiled in a booklet entitled "everything you'll ever need for a perfect life". Plus if you buy it now at RM5, you'll be entitled to have a coloured printout of the legendary career enhancing dragon turtle, which may i add, works much better than it's greyscale counterpart.

Anyways, i take everything back, just as to not jinx myself. Heck, am i gullible or what?

food and thought

2005-05-04T13:11:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Got a call in the morning from one of my 'brothers from a different mother', inviting me for lunch. He seemed to have a lot in his mind he needed to get off. I smiled. We've known each other since high school, a chatterbox that suffers from hyperactivity AND the guy responsible for 3/4 of the times we had to stand outside the classroom in the hot sun (besides getting us on the wrong side of the chemistry teacher, but then again she was a nazi bitch anyway).

Lunch was nice, i had a pathetic piece of herbal chicken that set me back 10 bucks (probably 9.50 for the herbs and 50 sen for the fries and chicken. or is it because the chicken smokes marijua.. ermm.. herbs, and therefore throughly pre-marinated?) Think it's just the price you pay for the 'privilage' of working in cyberjaya; the so-called intelligent MSC powered city, neighbour of putrajaya, the land of stupid signage and confusing roadblocks. If you ever wondered why the subang USJ area is numerically named, but not sequencially arranged, you'll know now that USJ was a prototype labyrinth which has now been implementated to what we know as putra-fucking-jaya.

As i pulled in the ericsson building, parked and headed to the café, i realized that most nobody save the waiters were around. A quick glance at the clock showed 11:56 am. wow. These people practice precision to the core, just like a Seiko watch. As i was comparing clock-work mechanism to thier workers, A. burst through the doorway. I glanced back to the clock. 12:00 pm. I grinned.

It was delightful to share old company again. The bulk of the conversation was mostly the futile effort to figure out why girls are attracted to bastardly behaviour, but takes Mr. nice guy for granted. Only to break up and get back with Mr. bastard to realize that he's a jerk and Mr. nice guy should had have been more appreciated. well, appreciated and boring... so thats Mr. bastard's cue. And this repetitive chain reaction continues to eventuate till the day we die.

A: nowadays, it's so hard to find quality girls like your mother, my mother... their sense of self-respect is almost gone, and they always LIE. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE TO LIE TO ME.

M: so why don't you confront her about it?

A: i dunno, i want to see how elaborate her attempts to bend the truth are. it's interesting.

M: it's not healthy. you're almost wishing that she would lie. in fact, you want her to lie, so you can trap her in her own web.

A: yeah. i know. it's just a point i have to prove to her in that manner.

It's those little games we like to play that can really harm a relationship. Because it's the little things you do that matters the most in a relationship.

Project: GreenPeace

2005-05-03T10:27:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

"the before"

Project: GreenPeace
Target: twin seahorses
Time: 0300 hours
Location: Port Dickson, N9

The seahorse. An unusual species that project the fast dying trait in most relationships today - the art of being monogamous. So in return for the non-bastardly behaviour, this perfect gentleman is graced with the ability to conceive. Yes, that' right the males get pregnant instead. Anyway, we felt sorry for the poor seahorses that were held captive on stone pedestrials, and decided to, for once - to do something for the betterment of the world. We decided to set them free- back to the sea where they can finally get back to being perfect gentlehorses that get pregnant for not having bastardly behavior.

Anyway this is how the story goes:
The seahorse has long called out to us from the first day we saw it, approximately 2-3 years ago. Like any other seahorse, it just wants to live freely in its natural habitat: supposedly void of any human contact. Having said that, our last attempt to free it did not go so well as we had hoped. We sadly had to abandon our cause in the name of lack-of-morale.

So this time, we planned our escapade with great consideration, plunging into every single detail that would contribute to the success of the mission. Early that night, the tack team assembled at HQ, expressions grim with determination. We had pledged that it would be today, failure to execute the task would result in a jihad against the evil captives of the defenseless sea creature. So after way too many beers, josh, kevin, giap, gig, ester, boon and i took our march into the battlefield - oblivious to the fate that would befall us.

Needless to say, the psychological pressure was too great to handle as a few of our comrades perished (well, they went back to bed actually). But determination got the better of us. Like thieves, we slunk silently into the shadowy night.

"send the black guy in frist"

My cohorts were well camouflaged- josh was as black as the night, save for the teeth part, and kevin is well, a kerching (half keling, half ching). Now i know why chinese people are never in the front line, it's not because we're balless, but it's because we're just too obvious (moral of the story: sent an indian to do the dirty job. hahaha just kidding guys, you know i love you too)

"it's not like i wasn't helping, someone had to take the picture, rite?"

Anyway, these cute little seahorses were extremely heavy, probably because they have been stoning there for quite some time, but it didn't matter - nature ain't heavy, they our brothers. About an hour passed, the long and dangerous journey was almost at its end. Being part of a crusade in the name of mother nature reminded me of line from a movie i saw. It went something like this: "Yo, there are 3 things you DO NOT mess with. Mother Nature. Mother-in-laws. And motherfuckin' uranium."

In the end, we did it. And just for the sake of sentiment, we took some pictures. Pictures that would go down in history as "these goddamn people from KL are morons and have nothing else better to do when they visit PD"

The twin monuments stood gracefully tall in the starlit moonlight. Both parties knew that something special had just happened. The glint in the seahorses' eyes whispered a silent thank you to us. We walked back laughing all the way. I used to think that the show Jackass was a compilation of sequencial bullshit. But seriously, if you'd experience it first-hand, you'll find out that they were just probably doing some good for the environment or something, just terribly misunderstood. With that, we bid you farewell, the maternal instincts of mother nature, eternally grateful for our act of compassion to its children, sang for us a lullaby - a perfect symphony of the crashing waves and crickets, an implication of thanks.

"one love"

Project GreenPeace is also documentated here

Ghosts of the past

2005-04-29T01:13:00.001+08:00

[journal entry]

Another day alone in the office. It's become a ritual in the past few days. I guess there will come to a point in life when a person asks himself - What am i doing? I've come a long way from innocent little muses to dark, depressing thoughts (it's a source of inspiration, to turn to despair and melancholy) to interesting mind-stimulating conversations with my friend Ho about life & religion, to this. Guess living in each and every one of us is a tiny child, with a child-like sense of wonder and curiosity. And as much as we grow more and more accustomed to the ways of the world, the child inside us all slowly dies, like a victim of a slow poison, deadly venom spreading through every vein till it engulfs us completely.

Nowadays, so caught up with work, i tend to ignore this childs voice. You don't want to know how much i want to keep this alive (this blog one of my desperate attempts to resuscitate it) - and it's difficult. The ghosts from my past has begun to leave. It no longer has that hold upon one that still can believe in it. The scariest part about living is not being dead, but in living within a state void of personal fulfillment. i definately do not want to look back one day when i'm 60 (assuming i live that long) and reminiscent about the fact i have nothing solid enough to reminiscent about.

i realized that one thing that keeps us all mediocre is this anooying thing called the comfort zone. The term in itself seems like the defeatists way of labelling a fault as a virtue. This could be roughly defined as a state of mind which encourages us to not take risks, not push ourselves to be all we can potentially be. *sigh* is it because i'm just lazy? Too comfortable just being who i am to move? Or is it because i'm lacking that focus i need to reveal my direction in the future, and how to get there? Well, it could be both and neither. Both because i could be in denial and neither because.. well i'm in more denial. Do i not care about myself that much to not even bother? Maybe in a world where many feel alone, there exists two kinds of individuals: those who push, and those who are pushed. Well make that three: for the ones who are capable of pushing themselves. To make things sound not-so-harsh (there we go again with the denial attitude) we could say that there are three (possibly more) categories of individuals:

1) the ones who just live (frankenstien, etc)
2) the ones who live with another (a married couple, partners, etc)
3) the ones that live because of another (a son to sustain a single mother, etc)

Having said that, we could fall into more than one category, and in the rare instance, be familiar with all of them. In a matter of opinion, we have all inherited that intergral need for company. To be able to belong to someone or something. Just like how we draw strength, determination and courage in numbers, we also bestow others of the same circle with understanding, moral support and faith. It is said by an old fart that we can indeed accomplish more and greater things this way. OR maybe it's because when stupid people congregate, the goal doesn't seem so stupid because "if everybody does it, it can't be wrong"? But essentially, everybody and everybody does depend on the existance of each other in varying degrees, even in the earliest stages of civilization (you can't barter with yourself, nor can you be a king with no subjects. Even the word civilization implies an existance consisting of more than just a singular being ).

I believe the answer lies in balance.

Pulau Lang Tengah

2005-04-26T02:33:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Finally got the pictures developed - (yes webber some of us are old school preferring 35mm film instead of digital. plus you need higher IQ to use one of these, so i don't blame you) espcially the underwater ones:

seriously, one of the scariest things about snorkling is that when you get closer to shore, these coral beds are just inches from your face - imagine a weird looking alien-vagina-like organism, wait; thousands of them so close to you - yuck. It's quite freaky to be honest, more-so if you're the type which dislikes funny looking textures (moss, prunes, coral, britney spears, brains, etc). Just so that you get the picture, imagine this:

3 inches from your face!! yeah, i know, fuck that.

A fun thing to know - darkness temptress told me that if you chipped even a piece of coral, the whole coral patch will die (they harden up to form this vast graveyard of 'bones' that makes up most beaches of terengganu that has been inhabitated by mankind the destroyer). I kinda feel guity for.. chipping off a little piece from one of the reefs (those damned flippers are difficult to maneuver with) - so i'll make it up to the sea by posting pictures of them, preserved in this digital state like an intricate pixel tapestry. After all, photography literally capturing moments in time; a static representation of its living self. But if you think about it, the coral reef resembles an ideal world - beautiful when all it;s living things are in harmony, each part playing its own role for the betterment and survival of the rest. If everyones' existence depended on coexistence, our promary goal would be to ensure the survivability of others - to in turn preserve ourselves. But then again, if this line of thought be the deciding factor for that sort of mentality, wouldn't we be living just because we don't want to die?

Whot the fock is wrong with pizza hout?

2005-04-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

Pizza Hut my ass. no seriously, wtf is wrong with them? customers have to literally shout (or threathen to speak to higher management) to get decent service. it's annoying enough having to repeat your name, contact number and address everytime you call 1300 88 2525 because apparently they just don't keep a database that's capable of retaining customer information for more than 5 minutes at a time, but thier delivery services are always busy. This would have to be the third time calling them (after putting myself through that annoying instance of procedural crap each time) , only to find out that all, yes i repeat ALL thier delivery boys are out, so please call back in half an hour.

I've got a suggestion to make to them, hell i'd even do it for them for free. Change your bloody pre-recorded, listen-whilst-you-wait message to:

"welcome to pizza hut. As you know we only serve pizzas, and you're calling because of the lack of choices, since dominos doesn't delivery to anywhere and everywhere. Don't bother calling our lines, because we are always busy and will ask you to call us in half an hour - even if you did already call for the last 1/2 hour. We want you to know that this call will be charged as a local call, therefore, we will continue to talk in slow-motion to stall this call, just to prove our point that only local charges apply. By the time of this listening, you will have already approximately wasted RM3 on this call. SO please call our customer service number to complain, because we will not hear it anyway as your complaints will be related to a computer anyway. Have a good day and please call again."

Has it ever crossed your mind that perhaps as urban dwellers, we are habitually unforgiving when things don't go the way it's supposed to? In this scenario, a delivery service - you call, we deliver. yeah right. it's not as simple as it seems or sounds. It's just because any service that potentially relies on sources which cannot be fully dependable as the element of random-ness; borne and bred of the anthropological core which some refer as to 'free-will' - exists. But then again, if everyone was 'hard-coded' to perform a specific task, would i go for it? No - part of living would be because its an imperfect thing to do. Imperfection reminds us of our mortality. The great diversity that imperfection brings to us is the varying degrees of 'perfection' in certain traits that makes us unique. If everyone were to be measured by a standard 15 inch ruler; (i.e a little more honesty, less IQ, etc) which of more would you be?

But if this idealogy were to be taken into practice, i'm sure that one could argue that the capacity to 'be' of every single soul virtually could not, or would not be capped at 15 inches because - it doesn't seem like a likely case. Where does the remainder length that makes you you go then, Or is it simply just undefined by default till a variable is set? Not making sense? that is because this theory is somewhat flawed anyway - nobody said i was perfect.

The "butterf*ck"

2005-04-16T00:02:00.000+08:00

"if we only could live for 24hours, i'd be a butterfly.
Because i'd know, at least i would have completed what i was created to do"

[journal entry]

Time is ticking... the sound of a dateline looming up ahead. Well it's not like the ticking IS audible for that matter, but i can imagine how it would be if it was - sort of... well ominous, considering the predicament we're in. Get is done by saturday, or stay on sunday to finish it. After returning to the office after dinner with a toothbrush and some snacks, we're all set to make the best out of it. It's not like we have a choice anyway. well we do actually: this sort of reminds me of the time i went for a motivation camp (least that's what it's supposed to be if not for the guise of 'experiential learning'.)

If you have heard of that term before, i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. Yeap, it's none other than your all friendly neighbourhood cult known as AsiaWorks. I would say it does work, depending on the individuals' willingness to open up to it - to learn through experience and to heighten the awareness level of yourself, and to the things that surround you. Back to the point (to cut a long story short), about making choices, i recall this one 'enlightenment' from the programme: *edited- can't mention it here due to legal enforcement*

Well, all you need to know is that technically everyone, i mean EVERYONE, makes the best possible choices at any given time inthier life which they have to - weather conscious or otherwise; and behind every choice there are consequences. If we can learn to be aware of these choices we make, we can, to a certain extend justify our actions as a reflection of our personality, which in turn raises our self-awareness level which sequentially encourages honesty to ourselves. Why? because you'll live a happier life goddamnit. Speaking from experience, it really does feel that way - it's just difficult to conform to the norm of society as those-whom-hath-turned-from-that-side act in a rather cultic manner. aahahahahahaha HAHAHAAa

Anyway, i've got to get back to work, my renders are done.

stairway to 'a' heaven

2005-04-14T20:08:00.000+08:00

[muse] + UNFINISHED, TO BE EDITED

Have you ever came across people who seem bittersweet about relationships? - a pessimistic or paranoid angle about how things are going on and how they'll turn out to be (in relationships, that is)? From my observation, this state of mental attitude is almost always because of a previous relationship that turned sour. (yeah i know, it doesn't take much brains to figure that out)

i guess the most practical advice to give would be to imply that time will heal; just live and learn, or on a more no-nonsence note, that it isn't fair for the partner to be judged in such a prejudiced manner. But then again, even the most rational of people can be bent by the fragility of emotions when faced with such strong ties to the heart; more-so if the incident that can potentially taint the individual has occured more than once; repeating itself with relationships from the past.

Relationships are like ladders - each of us were designed to climb, and each of our ladders were designed differently in turn; our goal to arrive at the top: - to reach the person that we were meant to be with. But along the way, sad relationships are the steps on the ladder do break - Do we get up, and continue the journey? stay at the rung we are comfortable on? Well i guess it all depends on how short or long YOUR ladder is.

Abode of Abundant 'Creatures'

2005-04-12T16:04:00.000+08:00

[journal entry]

After a 3 day, 2 night trip to Pulau Lang Tengah, Terengganu, I not only have a peeling forehead and bed bug bites to remind me of the lovely time snorkling and just lazing about, but also the disturbing memory of 'creatures' that reside in the island.

I'm not talking about weird stuff you see living in the water (cluster of barnacle looking things on a fallen log was one of them), but the supernatural beings that live there. Frankly, I wouldn't say i'm a pious Catholic or anything, but nothing is going to change my mind to believe He exists, and He watches over us, His children. Althought nothing harmful happened, i'm still feeling a little disturbed (or spooked, if you like) that such an occurrence is possible. Can't say I want to dwell on the details here, but this incident lead on to a rather interesting conversation regarding spirits and religion with my girlfriend and her best friend (at dinnertime, safetly back in KL where people are too busy to worry about the supernatural).

According to P, who has the ability to 'see' these things (also recognized as the third eye), mentioned that the 'charm' located on the top of the cupboard (it was a small keris, black charcoal, and yellow piece of cloth, amongst other things) could have been a protective ward? - indicating that there was indeed some sort of prescence from the unnatural about. The irony of it is that a place so beautiful to the eye could be so potentially 'deadly' to the soul. Whether we like it or not, these things are there, living amongst us, known by different names by different races and religions; - [genies, djinn, jinni], [nymphs, mohini, succubus], [demons, daemons, syaitan, britney spears, devils]. It's a major comfort to know that i have a religion to fall back on in moments like these. If anything, this episode has strenghtened my faith in Him.

Guess there can't be God without the exact opposite existing, like how the term 'good' has to co-exist with it's counterpart - since the former is defined as the 'abscence of evil'.

(for more details on the trip, please refer here.)

Karma: the impeccable 'religion'

2005-04-07T11:44:00.000+08:00

[muse]

Karma; the term can be traced back to the early Upanishads, Hindu scholars in 1500BC, who were fundamentally philosophers (who meditate as well). The word literally means 'action, effect, fate', in Sanskrit. Although the concept of karma could be explained in great detail, I would say it is commonly perceived as: "DO good, and good will come your way, DO evil and evil will befall you".

Idealy, if everyone were to embrace the notion of karma, the world would indeed be a better place, world peace would be prevalent, and humanity would live happily ever after... but that doesn't seem to be the case, we are no doubt far from ever achieving that state. Probably because karma doesn't take effect instantly - like a robber who just stole a gold chain from a house falls into a ditch and cracks his skull, spilling his brain matter on the concrete, or a teenager telling a lie get eaten up by a swarm of locusts the instant the false truth is conceived.

But being a 'teaching' of Buddhism/Hinduism, how could those of other faiths accept this idea if thier religion differs in idealogy and belief? A buddhist friend of mine once told me that all buddhists go to hell anyway, and there are 9(or did they change it again?) layers of hell, so your actions on earth would ultimately decide the fate of your afterlife. Maybe the effectiveness of the concept of karma depends on the teaching of one's religion? It maybe might not mean much if karma only affects the fate of the carnal life alone (should there be religions that do not have afterlife). I mean, if i died, would i still persist somewhere? heaven or hell? well, it could be a state of mind - but that would still mean persistance in some form; or do i just cease to exist - dissapear into oblivion? I certainly would have more drive to be a good person if it's gonna affect my future state.

But then again, would it still be considered karma if i was only doing it to save myself?

'curiosity' IS a cat.

2005-04-04T21:05:00.000+08:00

[muse]

BLOGS. Why in the world would the notion of an online journal, or ' public diary' appeal to anyone? Maybe the answer lies beyond the simple need to keep track of a life - but to also validate the existance of it - idealy, the net can never die, never be burned or fade into nothingness. Electronic pages are somewhat more durable to a certain extend, AND it's been the medium that i have been dealing with for the past six years.

In a somewhat twisted way, the idea of leaving snippets of my life on a quasi-intangible platform gives me a sense of existance; well at least in the cyberworld. Moreover it's a perfect place to render my muse- AND not forget them like when it's purely verbal - so yeah, that's my reason. Feel free to ask a question if you must - remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

What the hell am i doing? good question, i'm sitting in the office with 2 of my colleagues trying to figure out how to start work. I just need to kill of some time while they finish their McD's dinners; which by the way is a scam. I guess everything with the prefix Mc or Mac infront of them is a scam anyways. (like Macintosh Apple) hah! later on that, i need to be gone from here.